This is a brief excerpt from my book, Tools for Talking, Tools for Living: A communication guide for preteens to young adults with mild to moderate Asperger’s. It shares my personal experiences with my step-son Eli, a wonderful boy (now, young man) with Asperger's Syndrome.
I have read many books and articles on child development, Autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, and personality but few have given me the direct guidance I needed in helping Eli cope in
his immediate environment, or that gave me a way to engage Eli in meaningful conversation that empowered him. In other words, I felt like I could love Eli and help him feel accepted at home, but I didn’t know how to help him find love and acceptance in the world. I knew that in order for him to be independent and have a full social and spiritual life outside of our home, when he was out on his own, he needed practical skills for talking with others, understanding other’s motivations, and a way to independently navigate his world.
Much of my approach with Eli has been based in the traditions of my experience as a teacher and administrator in schools from urban to suburban, elementary to college. It is also, in great part, a testimony to so many wonderful special education teachers that I have worked with throughout my career. Every small suggestion they gave me and each skilled interaction I observed have become part of my Eli “toolkit” and I use them every day.
I have also learned that it is extremely important to remember that people who have Asperger’s have the same feelings you and I do, even though it is sometimes hard to tell. So many of the books and articles I read focused on how different Eli and his peers with Asperger’s were from others. I wanted to find a way to help him despite his differences, and, perhaps, even help him use the talents he did have, to overcome the communication challenges he had.
Direct instruction can help those with Asperger’s identify the feelings of others and know how to respond to them appropriately so others may recognize these feelings. Think of it this way: when a person with a serious visual impairment enters a room, they use special skills, to help orient themselves to the room and to the people in that room. It is no different for those with Asperger’s. Unfortunately, children with this condition are often not given the explicit training needed to orient themselves to their surroundings. They must guess at what is happening and what they should do with others. Our society often assumes that children will learn how to function socially by observation. People with Asperger’s simply can’t glean what is socially appropriate based on what they observe alone. Many young people with Asperger’s can learn how to behave in most situations with the proper guidance and practice. We just cannot accept that they will never know how to behave simply because they have Asperger’s.
Let me share a moment that really became a turning point for me. Once, when Eli was much younger, he came home from school to find me crying. I had just heard word that my mother was close to death. Not only did Eli have no reaction to my tears, he sat down and began to inform me about some obscure fact about dinosaurs. I went from despair to anger in seconds and yelled at him through my tears. My reaction only confused him.
Later, when I was less angry, I realized I could simply explain to him, in detail, how to respond appropriately to a person when they were crying. I wasn’t sure it would work, but I tried. I stepped into my familiar role of teacher and told him that when someone was crying, one might ask what’s wrong, ask if they could help, acknowledge that they are crying, and exhibit a range of other sensitive responses.
From then on, Eli consistently knew what to do when he saw me or others cry. I was impressed with his ability to adopt the behaviors I had recommended and the sincerity with which he carried them out. His responsiveness told me that he cared very much for those around him and that he was eager to behave appropriately.
What is important to remember is that when someone with Asperger’s walks into a room, it is somewhat like walking into a surprise party. When one has no expectation of what is about to happen, the shock, the noise, and the crowd can be very alarming. It often takes people several minutes to orient themselves when surprised like that. Use a memory of this feeling to understand how frightening and disconcerting it can feel, even in a room with people you know love you. This is how I imagine Eli feels after he comes home from school and enters the house for the first time after a long day away. Who is home? What mood are my family members in? What could have happened while I was gone? Because Eli can’t often “read” the room by looking at our faces or looking around the room, he would often have inappropriate reactions to situations.
This book is intended to explain to you how I began the long process of teaching Eli how to learn those things he could not learn on his own. I hope it brings you much help and hope.
This book is available on Amazon at:
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