As a follow up to my last post, I thought I’d share a story about how influential you are as a parent and that you should be careful what you share with your kids about what is going on at school…
All throughout my schooling, my mother was very involved. She served on committees, parent/teacher boards, came to all of my conferences and events and so much more. She would even “go to bat” for me (her phrase) if she felt I was somehow being wronged. It was amazing to have so much support! However, on one of these many occasions, I learned that my parents were quite upset about my middle school leadership changing my teacher “team” after the start of the school year. Apparently, it happened to quite a few students when the classrooms became imbalanced in size. My mother was furious. She feared it would affect my learning (little did she know that that would be a self-fulfilling prophecy). I heard her talk to my dad about it; I heard her call my principal; I heard her talk to the other moms on the PTA; and, I knew she had been up to the school about it. I heard the issue so often in those first few days and weeks of the change that I became upset, too. ‘This is wrong,’ I thought. (Even though, truth to tell, I didn’t really get what the big deal was. Most of my friends were in band and so I was going to get to see those friends everyday anyway—and besides, the grass is always greener on the other side isn’t it?)
Well, no matter! I got so upset for my mom that I decided I would protest. Those teachers couldn’t make me do any homework, I thought—and I didn’t. I didn’t do my homework for the rest of the semester. I don’t remember all of the details except to say that somehow I hid this from my parents (convenient), but the homework gods eventually caught up with me. By the end of the semester I had nearly all Ds and Fs. My mother was furious! ‘How could I take that attitude?’ my mother begged. I had always been a solid B student with the occasional A, she thought. What was funny is that I was very confused by her response (this is a middle schoolers brain, remember)—I thought I was supporting her by refusing to do my homework; after all, wasn’t she furious with the school, too?
It’s important to remember as parents that we have all-powerful influence over our children’s attitudes toward most everything (with the exception of those years when rebelling against you is developmentally normal). When I was an assistant principal at a high school, there was great tumult going on in my school district about a state-wide take over. One of my students (we’ll call him Jamal), was very impacted by this. His mother was so enraged about the take over that she had Jamal participate in a sit-out. The kids of parents who disagreed with the school district’s leadership organized a protest where their children would not attend the start of the school year until the board or the state met their demands. This protest went on for weeks. Eventually, students who didn’t come to school were getting truancy notices and failing grades; while the students coming to school grew to learn that their purpose did not have to be halted. Jamal, who was always an A student and very loving and cooperative with his teachers and administrators became angry and hostile. I witnessed, in a matter of weeks, a boy who loved school, come to hate school. Jamal had so many ambitions, but he never recovered. He never stopped skipping school and received all failing grades that year. Eventually his mother pulled him out to take him to another school but I always wondered if his attitude carried with him to the next school. I never knew what happened to Jamal, but he will always count as one who “got away”. It broke my heart.
Parents must be cautious when having conflicting views against a teacher, a school, or a district. Make no mistake, parents: have opinions, get involved and fight for what is right! However, do not allow your concerns to taint your child’s attitude toward learning, lose respect for their teachers or translate your anger into their anger. When my son spent a short period of time in private school, we learned that the school was teaching a religious concept that I did not agree with. My husband and I sat him down and explained to him our feelings about it and how he could make sense of it as he approached his teachers and his work, but we never told him that he was excused!
Ask yourself these questions when dealing with a conflict at school:
should I speak of the issue in front of my child before I have formed an opinion or before a decision has been made?
will my child benefit from knowing the behind-the-scenes discussions or will it hurt him or her?
if my child is aware of a controversy, how can I help my him or her focus attention on the work, the friendships, the goals, and the love between teacher and student?
You might be interested to know that over winter break, my parents corrected my attitude about how I should have handled the team changes and had my grandmother stand over me the entire break while I made up every last bit of homework I had failed to do! Remember, we have our children in grade school for a very short period of time when compared to the arc of their entire lives. Be careful how controversy can be used to spite or learned to give spirit to their work! Choosing spirit over spite will navigate their path to a positive place!
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